Monday, July 28, 2008

Old Sketchbooks



For as long as I can remember, I've journaled. I started sketching in 9th grade, and in my self-criticizing times I'd say that's the level of my sketching now- amateurish, untrained, self-indulgent and safe. Of course in my non-critical mind, I love my sketches. They're honest, some of them are very good, and I don't give a shit, I like them, ef what anyone else cares about. Fifty mediocre sketches and one that I like- I'll take it.

I was reading through one book today- probably my favorite cover I've ever done. Love the purple, love the green ribbon, absolutely LOVE the Buddha and gold I did around him. Love the simplicity. I find I annoy myself when reading through my writings- I want to have a book where I write so much more honestly and uncensored. It's damn impossible for me to write uncensored. I carry my sketchbooks with me everywhere so I don't write what I want to for fear of a) it having permanence and b) someone else will read it and judge me, not understanding my tone, mindset, blah blah blah. So I'm reading through this book and as is the theme in many of my writings (the reason is for another series of introspection entirely) I'm writing about love. But my today-self judges that Jenni harshly. She's false, she's addicted, she's grasping, she's on the wrong path. This book in particular is from 1999- I was 24, so young. Once in a while I stumble onto a gem- like I was feeling stressed the other day, flipped through a book and found simply where I had written, "Stress squashes creativity". Yes. That was an honest moment.
Anyway, I came across a few sketches that I love- I don't know if I've ever photographed them, but here they are. I'm tempted to preface their exposure with why they look the way they do or to explain what I might perceive as people's opinions of their shortcomings but I'm not going to. I love them because I captured something that is important to me- especially the sleeping dog and some part of the sketch of Amber where I really got a little bit of her.


I haven't been doing a lot of journaling lately- I know it's because I'm censoring myself now more than ever. Or just plain struggling. I'm tired of listening to myself, I just want everything to flow without me picking apart the details, which as I do it in my head produces neither clarity nor resolution. I also don't find it cathartic- maybe if I could get past of the fear of having my words manifested I would. Whatever.


3 comments:

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Jenni said...

I hate you. Go away.