Tonight I had a rough time. I got upset thinking about all this medical stuff, essentially I was astounded at my young age- that this is something that normally, should there actually be a "normal" about it, occurs in women who are 50, 60 years old. They deal with the statistics I'm dealing with- recurrence rates, survival rates, etc. But being diagnosed at 60 I imagine is a lot different than 33. Could it really be that I'm looking at so many years of wondering all the time between mammograms if I have cancer- a recurrence, a tumor, an invasion, etc? It seems like an eternity to me- from 33 until the end of my life- wow, that overwhelmed me. And I got sad. I got really, really, sobbing sad.
I was talking to Matt about how I will soon be radically changing my eating- to accommodate a more balanced plan for my body, my hormones, my chi, whatever you want to call it. I imagined that each meal for possibly the rest of my life, I would be reminded why I was eating this way- that the "cancer" cognizance would be omnipresent. It contributed to my ultra sadness, am I going to live the rest of my life thinking about it in the labored, measured integrals of mealtime?
As I sit here, I remembered something. Something that has gotten me through some really tough times lately. Be present.
Don't be upset about the future- don't project into the future, don't hold illusions about what could be, what should be. Just be present.
Why am I worrying about something 10, 20, 40 years into the future? I can't possibly know what the future holds, so if I can just be present, deal with each moment as it comes, that will save me a lot of sadness.
So what you can do for me. Remind me to be present.
Oh yeah, and if Danielb or Gerry could step up and give me those carbon water bottle cages (as presents, get it?), that'd be good too.